Dear Ken

Dear Ken,

Today I learned of your passing; passing from this earthly physical life into the spirit world. I learned of the news through a newspaper article. “Charges dismissed after accused sex offender dies in jail” was the headline with which you left this life and your picture posted underneath. Not just any picture but your police mugshot and not a very attractive one at that. For those who didn’t know you, this would be merely another news story of passing gawking interest. A scandalous appearing headline with a picture of a man who most people reading the attached story would instantly judge as true by your looks. The hard gaze with a few wisps of hair that you had remaining as the years advanced along with your declining health. It makes me a bit sad that most people will only remember you through this photo. They won’t ever see your smile. Even through my lingering anger at what you did, I can’t help but also be sad for that.

Since that day where you were arrested at our clinic I have occasionally scanned the papers looking for information of the details of your trials. Every few weeks I felt the compelling need to pull up the stories there in Utah and scan the headlines to find out what your status was. When you had more shocking charges brought against you, in one way it was another relief. I learned you had hurt others around you in horrible ways. Each news article I read, I hoped that you remained in prison so that I could know my family was safe from any possible retaliation from you. I couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t try to hurt anyone else. With every trial delay I could know you would still be behind bars and my family was safe. 

I knew you were not physically very well when you went to prison the first day and somehow I always knew that you would probably not last long with the stresses of prison life. I hope it gave you the structure that you needed. I hope it gave you the freedom from some of your demons. I hope you still had a few happy days. I hope that you were not in pain.

I have struggled with working on forgiving you for the betrayal of the friendship and kindness that was offered to you. You had been treated with so much kindness and love. David saw a broken and hurting soul. You had lived such a painful life. Your childhood was hard and without a family to love you, to give you kindness and show you how to be a good person. You craved a family so badly that you saw somehow a mother figure in me and used to call me “mom”. You had so many terrible terrible things happen to you growing up. I think you learned that you could use your wild outrageous stories to hide behind. Most people knew they were imaginations, but you told them so often and with such flare that I think they started to become real in your mind. David so enjoyed your quirkiness and your wild stories. I think that it was part of the payback he got caring for you. You always made him laugh. He felt like he could really make a difference in your life. David saw that there really was nowhere else that you could have turned for help. He truly wanted to help heal you physically and then emotionally by giving you some balance in your life. Maybe he saw it as a sort of lifeline for you to reach out to reality and regain a better way of living. He tried to help you reconnect with those you loved who helped raise you. He was able to contact the sweet nun at the orphanage. You cried. I think you were sincerely touched. He helped you find your extended heritage. We helped you in so many things.

You were so broken though. We could all see that you were one of the barely functioning people of this society. You were able to care for yourself but still not be completely whole. As a result you were one of those who would fall through the cracks of this world. Too high functioning for society to care for and too broken to really live a life without major difficulties. David saw your loneliness and your potential.

All of that care and kindness was instead returned with a day that could have had led to the deaths of several people whom I love. When I think of what you might have done in just only a few seconds of time. Your gun that day was loaded and ready to use. I know those around you that day were intended to be there just at the right time to quickly disarm you. I know you were in pain both emotionally and physically but you had no right to place my loved ones in such danger. I’m angry at you for that. How could you?! How dare you?! It was such a betrayal. It crushed something in David. I can see it when we talk about what happened. A part of him that had reached out in kindness was returned with an action that could have been so devastating. He doesn’t ever want to again expose those he loves to something that could potentially hurt them by bringing in someone who is broken. So he keeps a bit of distance now. I can see he feels failure that he couldn’t save you from yourself. I see how sad that makes him. He tries to hide it but I still see it.

Even tonight I see the impact and sadness you leave on my husband. I brought the story to him tonight so he could see and have closure of your earthly story. I can tell it disturbed him. He tried to focus on a tv show only to turn it off after five minutes and quietly go in and lay down for some sleep instead. My sweet David has a default setting in his heart of seeing the good in people. He just wants to fix the physical and emotional pains that he sees. This has always given him a reason and purpose for being in this world. When he was younger he just wanted everyone to get along and be kind to each other. He sought out the wallflowers at dances and made friends with everyone. My wise dad figured it out when he called him “a fixer”. We couldn’t fix you Ken. I’m sorry we couldn’t help you in the way you needed. I hope you have more clarity and peace now that the worldly pressures are no longer there for you. I hope your troubled mind is at peace. I’m thankful that others you hurt were saved more pain now that they don’t have to relive those things in the court trial.

I’ll keep working on getting that complete resolve in my heart with forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is not always merely forgetting. We are our experiences. They help to mold us just as your experiences shaped your life.  I’m pretty sure you have a bit of sorrow and pain to repay for your earthly sins. That’s Christ’s job though as it is for mine too. Now that you are gone, I can move on with more closure. 

He is Risen

Happy Easter to all my Tweeps.

Whether you celebrate with peeps,

Or plates of food in heaps

I hope to you it reaps

a joy that peaceful creeps

While His message keeps

Us searching as it seeps

Into our souls so deep

That when His face earth meets

each heart will skip some beeps
And tears of thanks each weeps. 

Bird seed

There is so much that I could write today for the blog. The last several months I have had the wonderful privilege to be a “kept woman”!  It is a new chapter in my life. One that is simple, free of drama, calm, quiet with lots of time for me.  I am an empty nester. Yes, after spending the last 27 years of children needing my care and attention 24/7/365 I now have the wonderful privilege to watch them fly on their own, build their own nests, and fill it with little chickies.  I now can be their cheerleader on the sidelines occasionally popping my mom head out when they need my advice on something. It’s quite an indescribable thing to watch your children become self sufficient and grownups of their own. It’s amazing! It’s humbling! It makes me thankful that somehow I didn’t screw it up too badly. They were and still are the heart of my life.

My sweet David now goes out as we say to each other to “slay the dragon” for me every day while I do my best to reenact a Barbara Billingsley scene of tidy home, dinner waiting and a little makeup on my face just as he comes in the door. 

Other than that I usually have the whole rest of the day to do whatever I want. Oh, yes, I do have the occasional errand to do and a couple of crazy dogs to take care of, but so far I have taken up crocheting, learning the lap harp, jewelry making, beading, political research and avid news junkie, book reading, walking, playing Xbox Knect, and scripture study.

I have found that the only one that really has held my interest the best is my scripture study because it is the only one that gives back to me. I have found myself looking forward anxiously each day to my quiet time in the morning as I read the stories, the lessons therein and almost always there miraculously is a passage that relates in a first person way to my life that day or something that is going on in the world. It’s crazy right?! I know, but it’s true! It was put there waiting for me to read right on that very day! It’s like a little “written hug” from my Heavenly Father telling me that he knows me and understands my struggles in life. I have always been active in my faith. I have always read my Bible, Book of Mormon, sometimes more consistently than others. I always knew they were the word of God. But something changed this year. Maybe it’s just that I don’t have interruptions in my reading, or I have more time to really keep reading one more chapter or one more source. Or maybe it’s just that my house is so quiet and peaceful. Sometimes I find that it has been two hours and it has just flown by.

So that is my little life here. Peaceful, content, watching my little birds from afar. Watching the other little birds in our feeder outside the window as I read my “written hugs” from my Heavenly Father for the day.

Yesterday we had a little sparrow visit who had just grown in his flying tail feathers, yet he still had his fluffy little head. You could tell by how unsteady he was that he had learned to fly not many days ago. He had managed to fly up to the top of the bird feeder and popped down to the ledge. He could see the seeds behind the glass right in front of him and tried over and over again to get at those nice looking seeds. What he wasn’t paying attention to was the seeds right at his feet plentiful and ready for eating. Instead he just kept at his task of pecking the glass here, there, maybe the corner will be better. Finally he found the loose seeds at his feet and began to feed himself. He sat there very content on the little ledge of the feeder for several minutes just resting himself and eating the seeds. Life is full of stuff that looks shiny behind the glass. What we really need to do is start looking instead for the real things that are at our feet ready for us to pick up. It really isn’t any more wonderful or tasty just because it is behind the shiny glass. Our scriptures, our family, our friends, our home, the world…..Look down at your feet. What is waiting there for you to pick up and appreciate?