Dear Ken

Dear Ken,

Today I learned of your passing; passing from this earthly physical life into the spirit world. I learned of the news through a newspaper article. “Charges dismissed after accused sex offender dies in jail” was the headline with which you left this life and your picture posted underneath. Not just any picture but your police mugshot and not a very attractive one at that. For those who didn’t know you, this would be merely another news story of passing gawking interest. A scandalous appearing headline with a picture of a man who most people reading the attached story would instantly judge as true by your looks. The hard gaze with a few wisps of hair that you had remaining as the years advanced along with your declining health. It makes me a bit sad that most people will only remember you through this photo. They won’t ever see your smile. Even through my lingering anger at what you did, I can’t help but also be sad for that.

Since that day where you were arrested at our clinic I have occasionally scanned the papers looking for information of the details of your trials. Every few weeks I felt the compelling need to pull up the stories there in Utah and scan the headlines to find out what your status was. When you had more shocking charges brought against you, in one way it was another relief. I learned you had hurt others around you in horrible ways. Each news article I read, I hoped that you remained in prison so that I could know my family was safe from any possible retaliation from you. I couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t try to hurt anyone else. With every trial delay I could know you would still be behind bars and my family was safe. 

I knew you were not physically very well when you went to prison the first day and somehow I always knew that you would probably not last long with the stresses of prison life. I hope it gave you the structure that you needed. I hope it gave you the freedom from some of your demons. I hope you still had a few happy days. I hope that you were not in pain.

I have struggled with working on forgiving you for the betrayal of the friendship and kindness that was offered to you. You had been treated with so much kindness and love. David saw a broken and hurting soul. You had lived such a painful life. Your childhood was hard and without a family to love you, to give you kindness and show you how to be a good person. You craved a family so badly that you saw somehow a mother figure in me and used to call me “mom”. You had so many terrible terrible things happen to you growing up. I think you learned that you could use your wild outrageous stories to hide behind. Most people knew they were imaginations, but you told them so often and with such flare that I think they started to become real in your mind. David so enjoyed your quirkiness and your wild stories. I think that it was part of the payback he got caring for you. You always made him laugh. He felt like he could really make a difference in your life. David saw that there really was nowhere else that you could have turned for help. He truly wanted to help heal you physically and then emotionally by giving you some balance in your life. Maybe he saw it as a sort of lifeline for you to reach out to reality and regain a better way of living. He tried to help you reconnect with those you loved who helped raise you. He was able to contact the sweet nun at the orphanage. You cried. I think you were sincerely touched. He helped you find your extended heritage. We helped you in so many things.

You were so broken though. We could all see that you were one of the barely functioning people of this society. You were able to care for yourself but still not be completely whole. As a result you were one of those who would fall through the cracks of this world. Too high functioning for society to care for and too broken to really live a life without major difficulties. David saw your loneliness and your potential.

All of that care and kindness was instead returned with a day that could have had led to the deaths of several people whom I love. When I think of what you might have done in just only a few seconds of time. Your gun that day was loaded and ready to use. I know those around you that day were intended to be there just at the right time to quickly disarm you. I know you were in pain both emotionally and physically but you had no right to place my loved ones in such danger. I’m angry at you for that. How could you?! How dare you?! It was such a betrayal. It crushed something in David. I can see it when we talk about what happened. A part of him that had reached out in kindness was returned with an action that could have been so devastating. He doesn’t ever want to again expose those he loves to something that could potentially hurt them by bringing in someone who is broken. So he keeps a bit of distance now. I can see he feels failure that he couldn’t save you from yourself. I see how sad that makes him. He tries to hide it but I still see it.

Even tonight I see the impact and sadness you leave on my husband. I brought the story to him tonight so he could see and have closure of your earthly story. I can tell it disturbed him. He tried to focus on a tv show only to turn it off after five minutes and quietly go in and lay down for some sleep instead. My sweet David has a default setting in his heart of seeing the good in people. He just wants to fix the physical and emotional pains that he sees. This has always given him a reason and purpose for being in this world. When he was younger he just wanted everyone to get along and be kind to each other. He sought out the wallflowers at dances and made friends with everyone. My wise dad figured it out when he called him “a fixer”. We couldn’t fix you Ken. I’m sorry we couldn’t help you in the way you needed. I hope you have more clarity and peace now that the worldly pressures are no longer there for you. I hope your troubled mind is at peace. I’m thankful that others you hurt were saved more pain now that they don’t have to relive those things in the court trial.

I’ll keep working on getting that complete resolve in my heart with forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is not always merely forgetting. We are our experiences. They help to mold us just as your experiences shaped your life.  I’m pretty sure you have a bit of sorrow and pain to repay for your earthly sins. That’s Christ’s job though as it is for mine too. Now that you are gone, I can move on with more closure.