Lost

I lost something this year and I don't know if I will ever find it again. It's something that I always had with me from the time I was young. I enjoyed it a lot and sometimes shared it with others especially around Christmas time. It made me happy to share it. Other people seemed to like that I shared this with them. I'm not sure where it went but I know when I lost it. It disappeared during my hospital visits in March. I thought it would come back to me on it's own, but now it seems that it has been gone for so long that I think that it may never come back home to me. 

Have you seen my beautiful soprano singing voice anywhere? I miss it so very much. 

During Christmas time it's been especially hard not to be able to sing. We had some really beautiful musical solos during church today. One was a sweet little 11 year old girl in a dark burgundy Christmas dress singing a song about Mary's lullaby. She was adorable, and confident, and on key, and had a sweet angelic voice. Her papa sat in front of us and you could just feel the swell of pride around him. 

I used to be one of those musical solos. 

I have really no excuse to complain since I have been given so much in return for the cost of my voice. The trade off in so many wonderful sweet experiences this year is a bargain in comparison. Still I wonder if that was my deal with Heavenly Father. He would give me more years on this earth and sweet spiritual experiences, but I would have to trade in my singing voice. 


I had an experience while sitting in a Relief Society meeting soon after my surgery. They were singing an opening hymn, while I sat there unable to join in.... reading the words instead. It was a song I had sung many times so I paid little attention. 

Then came the second verse and I couldn't hold in the tears.  

2. There is music in my soul today, 
A carol to my King, 
And Jesus listening can hear 
The songs I cannot sing. 

No one else around me had a clue why I kept wiping away the tears but that day I needed to know that my songs are still there even if they are only in my heart right now. It's one of those experiences that remind me that Heavenly Father knows me. It was one of those hugs from heaven. 


My voice was a part of me. It was a part of who I am. I miss singing. I miss even my regular speaking voice. If you happen to see it wandering about, please tell it to come home. 

Why

I don’t usually have the television on in the mornings, but on the morning of Friday December 14^th I just happen to turn on the news to see what was happening in the world.  What I got was a horrific accounting as bits and pieces came together that retold the events of a very troubled and violent young man slaughtering a classroom of innocent little children. Since that day we all have seen many outpourings of concern, prayers, thoughts, condolences, and a bit of blame throwing in the mix as well. Some say it’s the availability of guns. Some say it’s the mental health crisis in America. Some say it’s a lack of security in the schools. Some say it’s the removal of anything referring to God in our schools. Some say it’s the glorification of violence in Hollywood. Maybe it’s a combination of a bit of all those things but I think it’s more than that.

I read the Facebook posts that are “shared” spreading exponentially till they reach thousands. I’m sure they help to soothe some people with their sweet words how these little angels are with Jesus, and how the hero courageously acted in the face of imminent death. Some of the posts defiantly defend the constitutional rights to gun ownership while others lament that we all need to accept outlawing all guns. I’m not sure why for me all this talk seems so hollow. Posting a sweet picture of Christ with some children isn't going to help the parents whose 6 year old was shot and killed mend their hearts. Please don’t take offense if you are sharing those posts yourself. They are sweet reminders of goodness. I myself have posted a couple too but it still seems like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound.

For me I write about it. That's my way of coping. It is to get my thoughts down in words so they no longer keep me awake in the middle of the night. 

I've not lost a child but I have friends who have. I have seen firsthand the hurt, the devastation and the toll it takes on a mother to have their hopes, their futures taken away from them in an instant. There will be no prom pictures. There will be no walking down the aisle with a beautiful bride. There will be no grandchildren to laugh with. It’s a pain which never really goes away.....ever. At any minute of any day a small thing can remind them of what they once had and is now gone. My faith and my knowledge of the eternal nature of our lives helps me to know that these parents will see their little ones again. Still, that doesn’t give them back what they lost.

I think that this event has been harder for people in America especially because it happened so close to Christmas. Christmas is a holiday that is fashioned around little kids. We can all understand and empathize with the pain that will still be so fresh for these families on Christmas. The sting and the shock will be raw this year. Perhaps they had presents already tucked under the tree that now will go unopened.  

So all the Facebook, twitter, and email posts are sweet and they help the rest of us deal with a really horrible event but I doubt they really help the families there in Connecticut. Only those who are close family and friends of these people will really help much. So what do we do? The flock of people screaming for banning guns or at least all automatic weapons will feel like they are doing the right thing. The thing is, there are people every day killed all over the country and we go on with our lives like nothing happened. There are little innocent children killed every single day. In fact there are averaging 5 who die from abuse every single day! That’s 1825 deaths a year!

You can see the stats Here

Why are these deaths different? Maybe because it makes us feel a lot more vulnerable. They were supposed to be in a safe place.....a school with security measures!  If they weren't safe it makes us all feel a little less assured of our safety too. It wasn't the guns that made this tragedy anymore than my fork made me fat and doing the knee jerk action of banning them won’t solve the problems that caused it. All it will do is make some people “feel” better because they have done something! They will have also eroded the rights of millions of people to defend themselves. That’s not a good result. So if I were queen of America here is what I would decree:

1. Put limits on violent content in media. By this I mean movies and video games. How on earth can people not see that young men are spending hours upon hours “training” themselves to be sharp shooters with first person violent games or watching the hundreds of violent acts so realistically portrayed by our movie industry? I have young men of my own. I have seen what is called entertainment. It’s exciting to gun down the other side and rack up points and move on to the next level. But some of these games are so extremely gory and bloody violent that it does lead kids to be so desensitized and start acting out violently. We have to stop ignoring this and protecting this stupid notion that these violent games are a protected speech. We are systematically destroying our children’s minds all for the sake of entertainment and money. And I’m sorry Mr. Tarantino but yes, your movies are trash! The amount of fake blood used does not determine whether it’s a good movie.

2. Let’s have a real and productive conversation about mental health in this country. Anyone who has a family member with mental health problems understands that the way we treat this problem is a joke. It is devastating to loved ones financially, emotionally and many times physically. It’s not a problem that is going away. It’s not something to be ashamed about. It’s not something that you just treat once and get better from. It’s a real, life long process with ongoing care. It’s a lot easier to have compassion and reach out to people who get cancer or get in a car wreck. We have to stop looking the other way and help each other. If you know of someone in this struggle, do what you can to offer a bit more support and help in their lives.

3. Bring fathers back into the home. Let’s start building a better country from the bottom up. This means better families. Parents who do their job are the best way to build a better future for our kids. We need to start glorifying good stable families with two parents. Boys need their fathers to show them how to become good men. Girls need their fathers too. It’s time to stop having babies outside of marriage. Women, it’s time to start saying no until they say “I do”. Then work really hard to build a good marriage. 

It’s a week before Christmas. Hold your sweet ones near. Remember your blessings. Give a bit of yourself to someone else. That’s what Christmas is. Thanks for listening.